The Road to Bree- How it Really Happened
by Emerald84
Summary: It was a quiet day in the Shire, until something exciting happened! I swear. I apologize if people find this offensive, I don't mean to be prejudiced or anything, and it's all written in fun.
1. Every Story has a Beginning

I don't own the rights to basically any of the characters in this story. They are all Tolkein's creations. I also don't own the rights to any of the Beatles' songs or their lyrics, or of anything to do with Cheech and Chong.  
  
Story:  
  
It was a relatively quiet day in the Shire; a new shipment of pipeweed had come in that morning, so most of the hobbits were at the local coffee house snapping their fingers and playing their bongo drums and listening to old records of "I am the Walrus" backwards. An occasional "cool, man" and uncontrollable giggle could be heard wafting out the window along with the clouds of suspicious smoke.  
  
However, the hero of our story, Frodo "so what if I don't really like girls" Baggins, had abstained from all the fun. As usual, Sam, his "special" friend, was at his side in his hobbit hole.  
  
"Well Sam, it looks like it's just you and me for today. The others won't be much good till tomorrow afternoon. What should we do all alone?"  
  
"We could break out the leather and handcuffs and play cops and robbers, you sexy hobbit," Sam mumbled.  
  
"What was that?" Frodo asked, his face noticeably flushed.  
  
"Oh, nothing sir. Why don't we make tea and look at the new Martha Stewart catalog?" Sam answered.  
  
"Ooh, I'll get the crumpets!" Frodo exclaimed.  
  
Just then, there was a knock on the door. Frodo skipped to the door, did a pirouette, and opened it to see Gandalf the Grey standing on the front porch.  
  
"Actually, I now go by Gandalf the Sea foam Green. Grey was just such a drab color." With him were a grisly looking dwarf, two men with absurdly greasy hair, one of whom was still very attractive, and a feminine-looking elf.  
  
"Gandalf, you should have called, I'm not in my entertaining clothes," Frodo scolded. "Why don't you go change? I'll help you," Sam said. "Oh, don't be silly. Besides, we don't have enough time for that. Gandalf, why don't you introduce me to your friends?"  
  
One of the men, the less attractive of the two, stepped forward and introduced himself as Boromir, Steward of Gondor. "Does that mean you get to wear the smart little uniforms and serve people coffee and small bottles of liquor?" Sam asked curiously. "Yeah, I'm wearing the uniform now. I hope the horizontal stripes don't make me look fat. It's a tough job, since there are so many attractive men in Gondor, and nearly all of them expect a little more than coffee from me. Of course it's awkward for me, being married and all…"  
  
After Sam and Boromir had gone off to a corner to discuss things, Gimli the dwarf, son of Gloin, stepped forward with Legolas, an elf of Mirkwood. "Hi cutey, I'm Legolas. I'm just a grand archer. Do you like my shoes? This is Gimli the dwarf, he swears he hates me, but I don't believe him."  
  
"I'm Gimli the dwarf, and I really don't like Legolas. All those fruity elves get on my nerves. I am not the least bit ambiguous, thank you very much. My pride in my beard is perfectly normal for a manly dwarf like myself".  
  
Suddenly, two sprightly hobbits with suspiciously bloodshot eyes tumbled through a window. "Are you the eggman, man?" one asked. "No man, he's no egg. He's a fruitcake" the other responded.  
  
"Who are those two stoners, and why are they talking like Cheech and Chong?" Gimli asked oh-so-gruffly.  
  
Frodo explained to them all that the hobbits were none other than Merry and Pippin, fresh from the latest pipeweed convention. Everyone was talking together over tea and crumpets and some cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off that Sam had dug up when suddenly, and quite dramatically, if I do say so myself, the lights went out. 


	2. Goodbye, Bag End

I don't own the rights to anything, especially anything that might appear in this story. Call me a minimalist. I suppose I should put up a warning that this story is a bit slashy, but if you have read the first chapter, I think you know that already. Enjoy.  
  
Story:  
  
When the lights came back on (and the giggling and "ssh, not so loud"s stopped), the incredibly attractive man with the greasy hair was standing in the doorway shirtless with a towel around his waist and a golf club in one hand.  
  
"Hey, you look suspiciously like that guy from that really bad Travolta movie" Frodo said.  
  
"I'm sure any resemblance is purely accidental. The author would never picture me as that really hot Australian guy" the man returned. "I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn and man-bitch of Arwen, although I prefer the term 'secret lover'. I am the hero of your quest."  
  
"Well I'm glad we got that part cleared up so early in the story. Can I go home now?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Shut up, you girly elf. You can frolic and eat lembas when this is over." Gandalf the Grey… I mean Sea Foam Green huffily replied.  
  
As Legolas went to cry in a corner by himself, the others started doing the hustle. After the disco ball had been put away, the nine decided to have a picnic in Bree. After they had inexplicably trashed Bag End, they all ran to the door, did a pirouette, and left the hole. They jumped on their noble steeds, in this case a bunch of fat donkeys, and headed for Bree.  
  
"My ass is too fat. Can we switch?" Legolas asked Gandalf the Grey…I mean Sea Foam Green.  
  
"Shut up, you girly elf. My ass is not up for sale." He replied.  
  
"Stop calling me a girly elf! We prefer 'masculine-challenged'." Legolas cried.  
  
"Shut up, you girly elf."  
  
As they slowly rode in the direction of Bree, nine dark riders all dressed like Shaft intercepted them.  
  
"Who's the badass mother f-" "shut your mouth!" "But I'm only talking about…" was heard as they approached the company.  
  
"Go away! I haven't even told them about the ring yet! You're not supposed to come in until the next chapter!" Gandalf cried as he snapped his fingers and put up his hand.  
  
"Sorry, Gandalf baby, Sauron must have gotten the chapters confused. I'll see you later." The leader answered in a sexy deep voice as they riders turned around and rode away.  
  
"Ring? What ring? Is it shiny and pretty? Can I see it? Pretty please?" Frodo asked Gandalf the Grey… I mean Sea Foam Green.  
  
"I was going to wait until we got to Bree to tell you this, dear Frodo, but I'm afraid that you're going to have to carry this all-powerful and evil ring to Mount Doom and destroy it."  
  
"Can Sam come with me?"  
  
"Of course he can. It's a long, arduous journey, and I'm sure you'll need some company along the way to keep you warm at night. Of course, we're all going with you, at least until I disappear for a while and everyone else goes their separate ways." Gandalf explained.  
  
"Well okay then."  
  
"Oh Mister Frodo" was all Sam could say.  
  
"Man, can we at least bring some pipeweed?" Merry and Pippin asked together.  
  
"Shut up, you stoned hobbits" Gandalf answered grumpily.  
  
"Man, you sure are one grumpy green wizard, man. You should loosen up man. Can you dig it, man?" Pippin asked.  
  
"Shut up, you stoned hobbits" was all that they got out of him.  
  
After Gandalf the Grey… I mean Sea Foam Green had given Frodo the ring, which was really pretty with a bunch of opals in a gold setting, they realized that they had already passed Bree.  
  
"We should go to Gondor, so that you can meet my brave people. They're really nifty." Boromir suggested.  
  
"As the heir of Gondor, I veto that, my trusty steward. My dominatr…I mean 'secret lover' is waiting for me in Rivendell, so we must go there. Now. Seriously, she'll kick my ass if I don't show up soon." Aragorn commanded.  
  
"To Rivendell." Gandalf cried as he whipped his donkey into a slow walk.  
  
And so the company, which had become the Fellowship of the really pretty Ring with opals in a gold setting slowly rode their fat donkeys to Rivendell.  
  
To Be Continued  
  
If you've read this far, you might as well take the few seconds and review the story. I don't care if you hated it, loved it, or don't remember what you just read. Just tell me while you're reviewing it! Please! 


	3. The Big Hill in the Middle of Nowhere

If you guys are paying attention to the title of the story, I realize that it is titled "The Road to Bree", and that in my last chapter, they skipped Bree entirely. Oh well. Hey to Amanda and Briské, my steadfast supporters. Amanda, I'm sorry, but Leggy is gay. Oh, and if you guys are still confused about the Travolta movie/hot man in a towel thing and haven't read my bio, it's Hugh Jackman.  
  
Story:  
  
As our fellowship of the really pretty ring was riding slowly to Rivendell, they came to a large hill with a sing in front of it that had "Weathertop" crossed out and replaced with "Big Hill in the Middle of Nowhere".  
  
"Ooh, it looks homey" said Sam.  
  
"Let us stop here for the night" commanded Aragorn, still wearing only a towel.  
  
"Hey, isn't it uncomfortable riding a donkey in only a towel?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Just because I'm riding a donkey through a field doesn't mean I can't look sexy." Aragorn replied.  
  
During this time they had dismounted and climbed to the top of Big Hill in the Middle of Nowhere. As they approached the summit, they were mobbed by a bunch of teenage girls. One ran straight to Legolas.  
  
"Oooh, Leggy, you're so sexy! Will you take your shirt off for me? I love your pointy ears and pointy shoes!" Mercedes squealed excitedly.  
  
"Umm…Errr…No? I'm masculine-challenged, why don't you go bother one of the hobbits? I hear some women find Merry rather strapping." He replied uncomfortably.  
  
"NOOOOOOO!" She cried, her world utterly shattered.  
  
Two of the other girls ran up to Aragorn and tried desperately to get that pesky towel off.  
  
"That is the best chest I have ever seen. EVER. Oh my goodness. Marry me?" Lauren asked while nearly panting.  
  
"No!" Katalina yelled, "Go to Prom with me! Please?!"  
  
"Girls, girls, there's enough Aragorn to go around!" he answered, boyishly grinning.  
  
"Why aren't there any girls swarming me? Nobody likes the dwarves." Gimli said grumpily.  
  
"Man, girls are no fun, man, they just use your pipeweed and steal your van and drive to Mexico, man. Believe me, man, I know." Pippin said knowingly.  
  
Sam and Frodo had seemed to disappear in all the ruckus.  
  
"Wait a minute", said Gandalf the Sea Foam Green, "I thought we were supposed to battle the Ringwraiths on Big Hill in the Middle of Nowhere."  
  
"Oh, sorry, there's been a bit of a plot change. Call it literary license" said Lauren, tearing her eyes away from Aragorn for a few seconds.  
  
"So do we have to battle you?" asked Gandalf the Sea Foam Green.  
  
"Hmm…how about you just take us on as your traveling companions, at least until we get to Rivendel?" said Katalina wisely.  
  
"Rivendel? You can't come to Rivendel! My dominatrix- I mean 'secret lover' will go crazy! She'll kick your asses, and then she'll kick mine! And everyone knows my ass doesn't deserve that kind of treatment" Aragorn said, looking frightened.  
  
"Amen to that. But we'll take care of her when we get there. Believe me, it's in the next chapter." Said Lauren comfortingly.  
  
"Well, it's unorthodox, but I suppose we can do that." Said Gandalf the Sea Foam Green. "Now let's party!"  
  
With that torches surrounding the fellowship of the really pretty ring sprang into multi-colored flames (a surprisingly large number of them purple), mini-hot dogs appeared in festive bowls, and Aerosmith appeared in full concert regalia and started playing. Sam and Frodo emerged from some discreet bushes to join the fun. Everyone was getting down with their bad selves, with Lauren and Katalina going into raptures dancing in between Aragorn and Steven and Joe. Poor Mercedes had to console herself by dancing with Gimli and Tom Hamilton. But she wasn't too upset, because she knew that she would have a better story line in upcoming chapters.  
  
The only ones not dancing were Pippin and Merry, who were rolling on the ground giggling uncontrollably, their pipes in their hands. Sam and Frodo were the best dancers of the bunch, being surprisingly graceful and nimble. Boromir, who had been left out of the chapter until now, was doing the shopping cart while Gandalf did the sprinkler.  
  
Just when they thought the party couldn't get any better, they heard a threatening voice shout "Get your hands off my bitch!"  
  
To Be Continued  
  
Please review. Pretty please. You've already read this far. Why not review? Come on, this is a shameless plug, don't you feel guilty not reviewing? 


	4. More partying on The Big Hill in the Mid...

After the torches had flared up in a truly lovely display of pyrotechnics, after which they inexplicably went off, after which much fumbling and giggling ensued, after which someone finally figured out how to turn the torches back on, the girls discovered that Aerosmith had gone.  
  
"Well at least they left in style" Katie said.  
  
"Hey, isn't that them doing somersaults down The Hill?" asked Mercedes. "Oh, I think one of them ripped his pants. No, wait, all of them ripped their pants. Wow. Not as impressive as those groupies make it out to be."  
  
As Katie looked abashed and yet hopeful at the same time while trying to see them tumbling, Gimli asked, "Hey, this chick wasn't here before! She must have been the one yelling!"  
  
"Captain Obvious" Amanda said while scoffing.  
  
"Nobody likes the dwarves," Gimli grumbled.  
  
"Ahem! Hello! Yeah, that's what I thought. Pay attention to the dominatrix!" the intruder with delightfully curly red hair and a glittery outfit said. "You know, I was voted most likely to become a dominatrix in high school. Really."  
  
"Sexy! What are you doing here? Baby! I wasn't doing anything wrong! I swear!" Aragorn said coweringly yet cutely.  
  
"Hey, I thought your name was Arwen, and that you looked suspiciously like the lead singer of that fabulously sexy band, Aerosmith. What is going on? Is the world reverting back to its nihilistic state? Oh Lear, what has the world come to!" Katarina said intelligently.  
  
"I go by many names, but mostly I just go by Sexy. Easy to remember." Sexy said defiantly. "Now, as I said before, Get your hands off my bitch!"  
  
Lauren suddenly realized that she was still caressing Aragorn's incredible upper body, and tactfully folded them behind her back. What Sexy didn't know was that she was close enough to Aragorn to secretly grab his a….well, you know.  
  
"Hey, can we actually be in the story now?" Gandalf the Sea Foam Green whined.  
  
"Oops, sorry!" Lauren said. "Bunny's fabulous story has inspired me to include many of my friends into this literary masterpiece. I suppose I got a little sidetracked. Okay, turn the spotlight back on the actual fellowship of the pretty ring now."  
  
With that the lighting crew, headed by the lovely TLily who chose to remain out of such a LOTR-infested story, turned the big spotlight back on the fellowship of the pretty ring.  
  
"Hey man," Merry said to Boromir, "you look like that guy, man, you know, that actor, man, the one who was in that movie, man, the one with all the badass helicopters."  
  
"Josh Hartnett!?!?!?!" Sexy screamed as she ran over to the greasy steward.  
  
"But baby, what about me?" Aragorn asked pathetically.  
  
"Who cares? Lauren can have you. I'd choose my Boromir over you silly Australians any day." Sexy retorted.  
  
"Woo hoo!" Lauren said, one hand moving back to his fabulous upper body.  
  
"Okay, now that that's all settled, can we get back to my quest now?" Frodo asked, his radiant blue eyes watering over.  
  
"Man, this scene is getting old, man. I'm not digging it, man. Let's blow this joint!" Pippin exclaimed mid-giggle.  
  
"We shall go through the mines of Moria!" Gandalf the Sea Foam Green said boomingly.  
  
"Gandy, silly, you know we still have to go to Rivendel!" Sam said while waving his hands and tossing his hair.  
  
"Oh yeah. Okay then, to Rivendel!" Gandalf the Sea Foam Green said, not-so- boomingly this time.  
  
"Yay!" the fellowship of the pretty ring all shouted.  
  
  
  
Sorry this chapter was glaringly lacking in most thing LOTR-related. But hey, it saved me from reading about the tempest. You should really review. Really. 


	5. A visit to the jolly fat man

Sorry that the last chapter veered dangerously towards the lives of my friends, I was just inspired by darmoon and bunnyb's fabulous stories about them, and I couldn't resist. I'll try to keep this one more LOTR based.  
  
After the fellowship of the pretty ring rode valiantly on their fat asses from Big Hill in the Middle of Nowhere over a bunch of country that all blended together so that anyone who ever saw it could ever remember what happened in the plot during their passage through it, they neared Rivendel.  
  
"It can't be!" shouted Frodo.  
  
"Is that who I think it is?" asked Sam, who had clutched Frodo in all the excitement.  
  
"Welcome to Rivendel," said a jolly looking, roly-poly man in a red suit and long beard.  
  
"Yo man, have we reached the north pole or something? Cause this fat dude sure looks like Santa Clause" Merry said to Pippin.  
  
"But wait, man, I thought the name of the dude who owns this phatty joint was Elrond" Pippin responded.  
  
"Actually, my stoned little hobbits, my full name is Santa E. Clause. The E stands for Elrond" the jolly man told them wisely.  
  
"So why don't you go by Santa?" asked Gimli the grumpy dwarf.  
  
"I've found that when I introduce my self as Santa, everyone assumes that I will some obese jolly man ready to give out gifts to anyone who wants them," replied the obese jolly man. "So I just go by Elrond. It makes my life a hell of a lot simpler."  
  
"Ooh, just look at all the cute little elves! And they even have pointy shoes like me!" squealed the manly-challenged Legolas.  
  
"Wow, they are so color-coordinated. This would put the stewards of Gondor to shame. And would you just look at those ears? They are soooo adorable." Said Boromir.  
  
"Damn it, I knew it was too good to be true. All the cute ones are gay." Sexy/Arwen mumbled under her breath.  
  
"Please, fellowship of the pretty ring and their lovely companions, stay and revel in Rivendel for a pointlessly long period of time." Elrond invited.  
  
"Actually, we should be going, there's this damn lit test we all have to study for now. But don't worry, we will be back later in the most unexpected places. And perhaps we will bring with us examples of comedic stock characters, such as a fop or a pedant," Lauren replied.  
  
And with that, the lovely ladies hopped in a Porsche and drove back home, taking Lily the head lighting technician with them.  
  
"Well that was unexpected," said Aragorn a little sadly. "Now who's going to complement me on my nice upper body?"  
  
"Well, you know, Aragorn, there was this little confession that I've been meaning to make," said Legolas in a whisper. "Not only do I think that your upper body is fabulous, but I've been constantly imagining what could be bulging beneath that towel…"  
  
But before the manly-challenged elf could go any farther and make the very manly Aragorn any more uncomfortable,  
  
"Ouch!" Frodo said loudly.  
  
"What has happened? Are you hurt? Cause I can cure you. Really. That was my main function in the book. And since you have already established the whole fellowship thingy already, I really have no purpose here," Elrond said in a concerned tone.  
  
"Oh, it's nothing really," said Frodo, his piercing blue eyes brimming over with tears. "Sam just got a little, er, excited. It's just a love pinch, that's all."  
  
"Nonsense, I must cure you!" Elrond exclaimed, already getting out his cute little medical bag.  
  
"Oh master Frodo! I'm so sorry!" Sam said.  
  
"It's understandable, you naughty hobbit," said Frodo as he was being carried off by Elrond. "I can think of a few ways you can make it up to me."  
  
Just so, Frodo was carried off to a so-called chamber of healing, where his little love pinch was studied by many elves wearing pointy shoes, until the pain had subsided. But Elrond told the brave hobbit that he would always carry a scar from the pinch, and would be pained by it for the rest of his life.  
  
After they had partied drunkenly for many weeks, the fellowship of the pretty ring was ready to again set off on their important quest.  
  
"Now, we go through the mines of Moria!" Gandalf the Sea Foam Green shouted confidently.  
  
"Silly Gandy, we went through this last chapter. We have to at least attempt the pass of Caradhras first," Boromir chided.  
  
"Damn it!" the grumpy wizard said. "That's it, we're skipping all that crap. To the Mines of Moria!"  
  
"Well, okay," the rest of the fellowship of the pretty ring said. And so they set off once again, but to be greeted by what? An evil gay porn star named Jimmi? A herd of half-goats? Or maybe just a door that wouldn't open.  
  
A/N: Review! Review! Review! 


	6. An Ingenue and a Fop

Disclaimer: May contain obvious reverences to a certain play...perhaps one of Shaw's...and a few to my heroes, those wacky boys of Monty Python. Of course I don't own the rights to any of it.  
  
So the Fellowship of the Pretty Ring set off once again, and did some stuff, I'm sure, on the way to Moria. But, as a result of some very bad and very tainted chocolate that they ate on the way, none of them could remember it.  
  
When they got to the door, Gandalf tried and tried to open the door, but nothing seemed to work.  
  
"Yo, Gandy, baby, maybe the door won't open because your only using obscene passwords," said Merry.  
  
"Shut the f$#k up, you s#!$head of a stoned hobbit!" said Gandalf. "Aragorn, I order you to push the door really really hard until it opens."  
  
"I never follow orders," said Aragorn, folding his arms in a very arrogant and pompous manner.  
  
During all this, Gimli was standing in his nightgown staring whistfully at the full moon, fully aware of how romantic he looked. Legolas was standing around eating chocolate.  
  
During a long tirade of obscenities from Gandalf, Frodo had fallen fast asleep. In his sleep, he murmured the words `shrubbery...ni...shrubbery', and the door miraculously opened.  
  
"Man, that was too easy," said Pippin as he lit up yet again.  
  
When the Fellowship pirouetted through the door, they were met by a pair of orcs peacefully playing at checkers. When they saw the strange group, one of the orcs rose and said "Oh what a brave new world that has...oh, wait a minute, these are our enemies!"  
  
"To the secret weapons!" cried the other. "We must raise the alarm!" And with that the pair scampered out of the entrance hallway, which was actually very cozy with its luxurious Persian rugs and blazing fire.  
  
"Hmm, what to do..." mused Aragorn. "Perhaps a cavalry charge?"  
  
Legolas just sighed and unwrapped another piece of chocolate.  
  
"What can I do?" asked Gandalf importantly. "I am a very important person, you know. I must not let my dear Gimli get hurt."  
  
"You know," said Boromir, "I believe this tapestry over here was woven 9657 years ago by entwives, who had an odd tendency of speaking in funny accents."  
  
Frodo and Sam, the only members of the fellowship not either acting like Victorian-era nobles or stoned, gathered up all the company's weapons and led them into the large dining hall of Moria.  
  
When the reached said hall, they were greeted by a large band of orcs carrying...herrings!  
  
While the rest of the fellowship ran around screaming like women, Sam and Frodo corralled them into a large group and plowed bravely through the horde of fish. Once that was done, they all ran down a bunch of steps until they came to a very narrow stone bridge. It was very dangerous, since the orcs were still standing behind them looking menacing and brandishing seafood.  
  
"Oh Aragorn, that was the most noble thing I've ever seen!" cried Gimli in an awe-struck tone.  
  
"Nothing, my dear, it was nothing," said Aragorn, again folding his arms in a great gesture, nearly knocking Pippin and Merry, who were still very stoned, off the bridge.  
  
Legolas just stood by munching chocolate. He was at this time nearly naked, since he had popped out of his other pants from eating so much. But I'm sure some people would still find him attractive.  
  
"You know," said Boromir, "this bridge was constructing 8347 years ago by dwarfish architects, who were actually only 3 feet tall and wore funny hats."  
  
"Um, that's great, Bor, but how the hell does it help us!?" asked Frodo.  
  
Just as he finished this obviously exclamatory sentence (or was that interrogative?), a large shadow appeared before them. When Frodo and Sam whirled around to look at their new aggressor, they were surprised to find...a giant goat!  
  
"Bahhhh!" said the goat.  
  
"Ahhhh!" said the fellowship, commencing once again to run around in circles while screaming like women.  
  
"This nemesis cannot be stopped by you...you can do no more here," said Gandalf seriously.  
  
"No, Gandy, baby, no!" exclaimed Merry.  
  
"I'm afraid I have to, my stoned little hobbit. It can't be avoided. I must have a trash-eating contest with him." Said Gandalf.  
  
And so the sea foam green wizard walked to the middle of the bridge to the large pile of trash the goat had set out for him.  
  
"But what shall we do?" cried Gimli, batting his eyelashes.  
  
"You'll be safe with me!" said Aragorn.  
  
Legolas once again unwrapped a new piece of chocolate.  
  
"Bahhhhh!" said the goat.  
  
"Good God you people are idiots!" cried Frodo. "Let's go before this evil goat challenges us all to trash eating contests!"  
  
"Frodo is right," said Gandalf. "Flee, you fools, flee!"  
  
And so they did, running and screaming like girls before pirouetting on the way out.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
So you actually read to the bottom...I'm impressed. For that, you should at least get the privilege of reviewing. Come on, you know you want to. 


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